Sunday, April 22, 2012

My Story: Part I

So like I said in my last post, I have lately been making major changes in my life, which have lead me to start feeling better about myself.  I am eating healthier, working out nearly every day, dropping weight, and overall...feeling great!  Perhaps I should start at the beginning.  Welcome to my journey...

I feel like for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight.  I've always felt like I have been heavier than I wanted to be, and bigger than most of my friends.  It has always bothered me, but I have never done much to make myself feel better.  Sure, there were times when I would start exercising and setting goals for myself, but working out was painful and miserable, and I would quickly make excuses and give up.  This has been the cycle I have been in for years.

Throughout college, I felt like my weight was going up and up.  I hated it, but I honestly felt too busy and too stressed to make any changes.  I would try to eat a healthier diet, but the junk would keep calling my name, and it was often my comfort during stressful times.  For me, nursing school was downright stressful. I have always been a perfectionist, and I strived to get the best grades possible.  I spent long long hours studying and sitting on my butt, all while watching the weight pack on.  The little exercise I got was basically walking too and from class, but I didn't have the dedication to make any other changes.  I was dedicated to school, and at the time.  It was all I could handle.

Fortunately, my hard work did pay off, and I was able to graduate in May 2011.  I graduated with top grades, won an amazing award at graduation, and really felt successful.  The beginning of my summer was spent studying for boards, and in July 2011, I successfully passed the NCLEX and became an official RN. At this time, I was already accepted to graduate school for the fall, and I was prepared to tackle graduate school and a part-time nursing job.  
Come August, and graduate school started.  I had found a temporary part time job, which I thought would be perfect to do while I started my first semester of graduate school.  Less than a week after starting, I realized I was MISERABLE.  Complete misery.  I had never felt so stressed out in my life, school had never felt so overwhelming, and I felt like all I was doing was crying.  It was terrible-nothing at all like what I was expecting.  I had a few days of some deep soul searching, and decided I was going to make some changes.  I dropped a few classes and changed my student status from full time to part time, and I began to look more dedicatedly for a job.

A few more weeks pass, and I really decided that graduate school was not for me.  I was going to finish this semester, and then say goodbye to school.  Once I made this decision, I felt about 10,000 times lighter. It was difficult-I felt I was letting everyone down, and I mostly felt I was letting myself down.  But I knew deep down that this was the right decision, and I was feeling some inner peace for the first time in a while.  Around this same time, I had several job interviews, and in the middle of September, I was hired!  I started my first official job in the end of September 2011 at a pediatrician's office near my home, and so far, I love it!

It took a while for me to get used to the new job, the new routines, and learn all the new information that I needed to know.  I was working a crazy schedule as I was training, and I was frequently so tired at night I would come home and sit on the couch and do nothing.  Again, I started feeling terrible about my weight and the way I looked, but didn't really have the motivation for change.  However, around this time, the seeds were planted.

I think Christmas was really the rock bottom.  I felt like a whale, I had reached the biggest size and heaviest weight ever, and was just miserable.  I decided things had to change, and my goal for the new year was to become a healthier person.

Come back tomorrow to read about the beginning of my journey!

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